Opposite Sex Friendships Part 2: Genderless BFFs

Two caveats before I begin:

1. These are ideas that are forming, not formed. I'm still figuring this business out. So, as always, I'd love input.

2. I'd also love some pizza right now. 

My question is this: is there a Biblical precedent for close single guy/girl friendships?

(Notice that I said close. I'm not talking about a dating relationship, and I don't mean an acquaintanceship/casual friendship)

My answer is this: I'm not totally sure, but I tend toward no.

What do I use to form my answer? Welp...

Biblically, there's just not much there on male/female friendship. There is plenty on how to conduct ourselves with others in general (Colossians 3), and how to conduct ourselves in marriage (Romans 12, Ephesians 5, I Corinthians 7, etc), but not much about platonic relationships with the opposite sex. While there is a cultural/historical context that speaks some to why this is, I speculate that there's intentional wisdom in this, as well.

From what I can find, it appears that the most highlighted non familial male-female relationships are 1) in marriage and 2) in ministry. The best example I can find is in Acts where Christians in the early Church fellowship, meet in groups, and serve alongside one another.
That's about it.
There's no, "And Paul spent 2 hours having a rousing heart-to-heart with his awesome girl best friend down at the well." His traveling companions and closest ministry partners were men. Jesus' inner circle was men.

So for starters, what DO we know for sure about this business?

We know that our close friendships should be:
~Equally yolked (II Corinthians 6:14-18)
In the Church we spend more time emphasizing the application of this passage to marriage and romantic relationships, but tend to leave out the friendship aspect. Our closest friends are the ones we're most likely to turn to for advice, most likely to spend long periods of time with, and most likely to be vulnerable with. Of course we're in the world but not of it--we have good relationships with nonbelievers frequently--at work, in our own families, in our communities. We are salt and light in our communities, and people get to see that salt and light by being in relationships with us. But those we elect to be in our inner circles...Paul speaks clearly about the need for them to be believers.

~Above Reproach (Titus 2:7-8, I Timothy 4:12, Ephesians 4:17-5:21)
Paul talks in a number of places about conducting ourselves in a way that's blameless before everyone so that 1) we won't cause others to stumble and 2) no one can say anything against us. This is highlighted in Ephesians 5:3 when is says we should have "not even a hint" of immorality.

~Building up the Church (I Thessalonians 5:11, I Corinthians 14:12, Jude 20)
As people who identify ourselves as followers of Christ, we're part of a community whose main purpose in life is to glorify God. God loves His people and gives us resources (including each other) to make each other more like Him.

So...using what there is in Scripture about how we treat people generally (with proactive grace and truth), and how we treat marriage specifically (with protection, which I wrote about here and will explain more), I form these ideas intuitively (in my Steph brain):

You become the company you keep, right?

Men, you want to become men of God? Hang with men of God.

Women want to become women of God? Hang with women of God.

Conversely...

A man doesn't become a man of God by hanging out with mostly women.

A woman doesn't become a woman of God by hanging out with mostly men.


The question I'm processing through is, then...what kind of time/interaction with a single member of the opposite sex IS appropriate?
....I don't know yet. But I can tell you what it's NOT.

It's not friends with benefits (Eph. 5:3)
It's not hooking up (I Thess. 4:3)
And (perhaps controversially), I'd say it's not being close friends. (Heb. 13:4)

Let me explain.
Hebrews 13:4--"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral."
This verse talks about marriage, but it has implications for other relationships, as well. Especially those relationships that could LEAD to marriage.
While a lot of the verse addresses sexuality, I think the first part of the sentence is a tremendous catch-all. While it's a little more obvious to think about not crossing physical boundaries, a lot of us singles have emotionally whored ourselves out to the opposite sex. Like I talked about in my post on the consequences of breaking God-given boundaries, there are emotional and spiritual lines that shouldn't be crossed in addition to the physical.

Openness is a quality valued highly by our generation in the Church, and we champion buzz words like "authentic," "intentional," and "real." As well we should. Good times.

But openness in relationships is meant to accomplish one thing: intimacy. Who you are being intimate with and how you are doing so matters.


Another thing that strikes me about "platonic" guy/girl intimacy is this:
It's likely that fuzzy boundaries in friendships will carry over to fuzzy boundaries in marriage. The way I treat men--how personal I get with them and how quickly I do it--is a good indication of how I will relate to them later. There isn't a magical maturity button or switch that flips when you get married. The way you relate to the opposite sex won't just change because you're officially off the market.

If you've ever uttered these statements about your close opposite sex friend, listen up:

"Oh, but I'd never date him/her."
"S/He's like my sister/brother."
"S/He's my best friend."

There are a lot of problems with these statements, I think.

Just because you tell people that a certain guy is "like your brother," that doesn't mean he is your brother. He's potential, just like you are. Treating someone of potential like they're NOT potential sends a message contrary to truth.
Chances are that if he WAS your brother, people would probably think it was weird for you two to be spending so much time talking/texting/hanging out. Most opposite sex siblings are not like that, and when they are, they turn heads. They'd probably turn yours. That should tell you something.
Treating him or talking about him like he's one of the girls/your best friend is harmful rather than helpful to his becoming a man of God. It also kind of reveals that you don't want him to. Any woman worth her salt seeing your "best friend" being chummy with you all the time is going to lose interest in him. More on this in my next post.
He also may think he's getting (rather crappy) practice at being your spiritual leader. This is vastly troubling...because he's not.


So, practically speaking...
If my desire is to become a woman of God, but I spend a disproportionate amount of time with guys, or even a certain guy, I need to be honest with myself about what I'm getting from that relationship.

I recently took a hard and honest look at my friendships with single guys. The reality was humbling: most of them had either expressed some kind of romantic interest in me, or I had expressed it in them. 
So then...our saying we're friends is dishonest. Even if it's just dishonest for one of us, that's not the friend box. That's the...dishonesty...box. I dunno what to call it. But for Christians, Truth is our ally. And living above our hearts is not walking in Truth.

If our goal is to love the "other," and if love inherently seeks the BEST for its object, then it must become my desire to die to my need for approval and attention and ...protect the hearts and possible future marriages of my single guy friends. This, I think, is what Hebrews 13:4 is getting at. Honoring marriage while you're a part of it, but certainly honoring it before it's even in the picture.


If you say you're just friends, are you really interacting on the level of a casual friendship?

My Home is in my Head: A Demeanor of Hospitality

"My home is in my head."
I borrowed the line from Bob Marley. It'll make sense, you'll see.

The subject of hospitality is generally taught on in terms of the home. We often think about it as welcoming people in, giving them a safe place to stay, making our resources available to them.
Here, have a quiche!
Here, have my clothes!
I'd love to bring your family food since y'all just had a baby!
Hey, come stay in my back house til you get on your feet!
Why, yes, I'll donate to your mission trip!

That's usually where the discussion ends--stewarding our tangible resources in a way that serves the Kingdom.
It's brilliant! And definitely countercultural since postmodern society revolves around the self.

But is that all?
I think we are prodded to take it a step further.
Or...five steps further.

Yes, hospitality includes our tangible resources and the roofs over our heads. God's resources are on loan to us to be stewarded for His Kingdom. And in our earthly homes, we can create an environment where He is glorified and people are served.

BUT...hospitality goes way beyond that. It goes past the home and straight to where our dwelling place exists all the time--our hearts.
Especially considering that Christians are aliens in a foreign land, our residence is in our hearts, not just our homes.

This isn't just your home or your stuff or your time. IT'S YOUR VERY PRESENCE.


Colossians 3:12-17
"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,
bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive.
And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.
And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body.
And be thankful.
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly...and whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him."

"Let the word of Christ dwell in your richly." For us to be hospitable/empowering/engaging/loving with our presence, we must exude God's love. To borrow a line from a dear friend...we must ooze life. This is brought about by a deep contentment with the Father.


Sooooo what even does this look like? Sounds vague.

If Christ accepts us as we are with all of our mess and beauty and filth and greatness...just as we are...we should strive as believers to have deeply engrained in our personalities a message that people are free to be themselves.

If we aren't giving people permission to be themselves around us, the stewarding of our resources falls on deaf ears and blind eyes...because while we're telling them they can be safe and at home with us, our way of interacting with them sends an entirely different message.

Think about people you're awkward around.
People you feel like you have to perform for.
People you don't know what to talk about with.

Be honest with yourself. Do people feel that way about you?

If we want genuineness and openness in our relationships, we have to start somewhere. We're going to get nowhere fast if we're not free to be real.

What are you doing to empower people with your presence? If people tend to shrink away or not know where they stand with you, you may be doing something with your countenance or words that is not permitting them to be at home.

Some self-checks:
1. Do you draw others into discussion?
Or do they get the impression that they are going to be verbally pummeled for disagreeing with you?
Are you communicating in a way that shows that you have a humble view of yourself and a respect for those you're discussing with? How highly do you value your opinion over others'? (this is a good check for exhorters such as myself)
(Romans 12:3..."I say to every man among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think...")

2. Do you initiate?
As a believer, we bear truth and the reality of the gospel. We have every ability to enter a room or a conversation with confidence in who we are. We don't acclimate to the tone of the room...we set it. Those with the information are the motivators, the vision-casters, the starters. The thermostats in the room full of thermometers, if you will
(I Peter 2: 9..."But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light)

3. Do you facilitate open communication?
This goes hand-in-hand with initiating.
Something beautiful I've witnessed after 5 years of living in the South is that people REALLY know how to make an introduction. A firm handshake, a smile, and a formal introduction of all new people and the relationships that they represent.
The family I live with here in Dallas is the epitome of Southern hospitality. I'm talking sweet tea always in the fridge, sweet southern drawls, the works. I now know when they introduce me to someone, it's no, "Stephanie, this is Bob." It's, "Stephanie, come meet my friend Bob..." I am not only going to know Bob's name...I'm going to know what he does, where he went to school, where he lives, how he know our common friend introducing us, and probably a story about their relationship.
I adore that!

4. Do you ask people questions?
Being known and knowing people.
People won't believe that you give a crap about their story if you don't ask questions.

The way we communicate matters...greatly.
If we can't be winsome, we're only a resounding gong (I Corinthians 13:1).
(I'm not talking about making Truth palatable. I'm talking about welcoming people in and being open with your life...where you can then safely and effectively discuss Truth)


Christ compels us to come. He dwells in our hearts. Our hearts should be continually drawing others into our presence where they can, hopefully, get a glimpse of Christ's love and transformative power.

So let's review....
Hospitality: inviting others into your life (not just home) so they can experience the love of Christ.

Let's give each other permission to be who we are and where we're at. 

What is your presence, demeanor, way of communicating telling others about the character of God?

Opposite Sex Friendships Part 1: Married Friends

Conducting my days as a single lady (now put yo hands up) has faced me with a new and fascinating dilemma.

What in the WORLD do I do with single guys?
Where's the line?
Is it the same as with married guys?
Is it the same as with single girls?

This first post will deal with the question of what to do with married friends of the opposite sex.

Why is this perplexing me so much?
Well...
When I was married it was easy for me to subscribe to the "hedge of protection" mode of behavior. You're a single guy? Cool. I'll hang out with you when my husband's around, but we're definitely not going to have personal or emotional conversations. You're probably much more my husband's friend than mine.
You're a married guy? Cool. I'll hang out with you when my husband's around, and it's probably imperative that your wife's around, too. We'll still avoid one-on-one personal or emotional conversations.

The bottom line was easy: I protect my marriage, I protect your marriage. Even your future marriage (more on that in the next post). Finito. The end.

So...now that I'm single, I keep the same parameters with married guys. I don't seek out one-on-one time, and I won't have a serious or personal conversation unless his wife is part of it. I probably won't even spend time with him unless his wife is a closer friend to me than he is.

You may call that extreme, but if there was ever a situation to be "better safe than sorry," marriage is it. "Losing out" on knowing a guy friend a little more personally is nothing compared to "losing out" on a marriage that fell apart because of broken trust or infidelity.

That being said...I know there are PLENTY of people who disagree with me. I even have a few close friends who disagree. It's been a point of contention on more than one occasion.

I have a dear friend who once mused to me, "I'm just a flirtatious person. So is my husband. So I'm going to flirt with other guys, and he's going to flirt with other girls. But at the end of the day, I know he's not going to run off with anyone. So I don't see what the big deal is."

The crux of it for me at this point in my life is that it's a heart issue.
Well, in truth, everything is a heart issue.
God is SO primarily concerned with hearts. WHY is it okay for married guys/gals to have opposite sex friends? Even close opposite sex friends? What do you glean from that relationship? How does it make the Church look? How does it make Jesus look? How does it make YOU look (Romans 12:17. II Cor. 8:21)?

Since Christianity and sanctification are inherently introspective, I'll let you in on my thought process.
Even if flirtation is "harmless," what's the goal? Is it harmless to be deliberately garnering the attention of someone you're not one with (or if you're single and the other person is married, is it harmless to garner the attention of someone who is one with someone else?)?
We really can't afford not to think about this.
As followers of Christ who profess to have had their minds transformed into His likeness, every interaction, every heart intention and behavior must be evaluated (II Cor. 10:5). There isn't really a paradigm of "we don't really have to think about this" or "it's not a big deal" in Christianity.
Everything comes back to the heart (Luke 6:45).

So the bottom line for me....
In the spirit of self examination...I have a flirtatious personality. I'm snarky, witty, and sarcastic. There's something in my heart as a woman that finds value in making a guy laugh. If I can dazzle him with my intelligence, all the better. If I can get positive attention from a guy...my heart wants that.
Of course my heart wants that! It's basic. It's human.
But it's also the least common denominator.
Everyone wants attention. Everyone looks for value and approval. We love the praise of men (John 12:43)

SO...if my heart is meant to be bent toward Christ, my goal to make Christ more famous, my mission to direct others toward Him and not be a stumbling block for anyone, my mindset to make Christ and the Church look as good as possible...is flirtation with married men really harmless?

I would personally say that it isn't.

Even if my intent is not to cause strife between a man and his wife, even if I want nothing from that interaction but a smile and some nonverbal affirmation that I am pretty/smart/funny/talented/whatever, my heart is looking for approval from someone other than the One whose opinion actually matters...

AND He is jealous and demands all of my attention and affection.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
Proverbs 4:23

Eyes Wide Open--A Sober but Grateful Nationalism

I was one of those kids that grew up with a rosy view of her country. In some ways you'd never know it--I never had a lemonade stand, my family didn't own guns, and I never liked country music. I didn't like apple pie until I was 25, much to the chagrin of my mother, who gave up on making any bread/fruit combination due to my pickiness.

Nonetheless, I easily considered myself a true-blue American. I voted as soon as I was old enough, I championed the ideas of democracy and due process, loved me some George Washington, and led the pledge to the flag in school.

When I was 18, however, I went off to college and began to look at the US under a microscope. I also made a bunch of international friends.

I began to see things slightly differently. Yeah, the top blew right off my world.

I saw for the first time the dysfunction of a capitalist system that had at its basis the idea that people should be left to their own faculties, and that the greater good somehow would be achieved through the pursuit of individualized self interest. The theology of capitalism profoundly confused me.

The US has just invaded (intervened in, whatever you want to call it) Iraq and I watched my friends in the international community view the US as an aggressive, realist, imperial power manipulating the public and its allies into war.

I got to know the makeup and evolution of the economic and political systems of the countries my friends were from (Zimbabwe, England, Grenada, Canada, Egypt, Ghana, Indonesia, and others) and got to see from a foreigner's perspective the consequences of a globalized world and the implications of collective action, inaction and strong arming.

I watched a volcano continue to erupt in the Near and Middle East and understood for the first time that the US had a huge part to play in the instability in the region.

I also began dating a guy who spent his entire upbringing in third-world countries, and I began to absorb his family's somewhat cynical anti-US sentiment.

For the first time, I did not see the US as a force of good in the world.
The last 8 years have been a quagmire of confusion and cynicism toward my motherland.



...This is not the post in which I'll be discussing my political viewpoints or an exhaustive assessment of the US' place in history and the world. That's for another day. Probably many other days. :)




This is something significant, though. It is a reflection of the fact that this was the first Independence Day celebration that I was able to wake up the morning of July 4th without shame.

I wouldn't call it pride. But I wouldn't call it resignation either. It's more like...quietly and confidently embracing my social and historical location. That God placed me here...now. That I'm called to be all things to all people...now. That every citizen is part of a group, culture, or nation that has components that we both applaud and shake our heads at.

Now, that being said...everyone sees the world through the paradigm of their own context. Concerning MY context, the pain of my divorce and the intense processing I went through colors everything I see....for better or worse. It doesn't own me or define me, but I carry those lessons, and they are part of my worldview now. Especially with what God has taught me about Himself and the world.

One way that these lessons have been applied to the idea of nationalism is that there is something deeply covenantal about a love for one's country. It's not like marriage, but it's one of the few examples of covenant we have left in this consumer-driven culture.
There is a commitment there...an understanding that there is brokenness, decay, and a story...but also that there is great potential. A willingness not to walk out or abandon things when the system breaks down...but to fight for it as agents of renewal in God's kingdom.
It's never been the point for me to be a gun-slinging, liberty-boasting, flag-waving American with the stars and stripes painted on my face (although I do love to dress up).
The point is to mirror Christ where He calls me.

This reality hit me as quite...beautiful. That my "rights" as an American or even a global citizen aren't the point...but that freedom in Christ is inalienable...whatever the cultural context.

So it was with a sober mind and grateful heart that I, for the first time in years, placed my hand over my heart during the national anthem...and thanked God for this life here. Now. In America.

Tattoos

This is a long post...but it's got pictures. :)

Not a ton of people know this, but I've wanted a tattoo since high school.
I used to want a heart with a crown of thorns around it and flames coming up. Ha.

I talked myself out of it the same way everyone talks themselves/others out of it:
"But it's forever!"
"Your body is a temple!"
"Your body's going to change a lot! It won't look so good when you're 60 or after a couple kids!"
"What if your husband doesn't like it?"
"What if you get something that isn't meaningful to you later?"
"What if they don't let you have it where you work?"
"What if you become a burn victim and all that's left of you is a melting head on a stick?"

So...my answer to all that has been this:

I want something that will be meaningful to me my entire life...something that will never change, never exit my life, never become untrue. God, Scripture and spiritual truths are the only things that fit this description. Once I decide what I want, I'll then sit on it for several months or years to make sure that the desire doesn't wane over time. I'll get them in places on my body that won't change as much as I get older, and the ones that might change won't be in very visible places. As for a husband, if I ever get married again, my husband will love all of me. I'm sure if there was a deal breaker about me, tattoos would not be it. :) And...a melting head on a stick? You're disgusting.

So...what do I want? Scripture. I've tried to be careful to select verses that don't contain textual variants.
I knew if I got Bible verses, I'd want them in the original languages. Lots of people see Bible verses and are immediately turned off or make assumptions. A bit of text in a somewhat unrecognizable language becomes a conversation starter. If you can give a rationale for a tattoo, it also shows you can think. Always a bonus when engaging enquiring minds.

That being said, getting something in a language I don't personally read or write in is risky. I've heard dozens of stories of tattoo fails where people either stupidly use something like google translator or ask people for input after they've already gotten the tattoo. (If you used google translator for your tattoo, this is meant to be offensive. That was dumb.)
This is why I went to a dear friend who reads Biblical Greek and Hebrew and asked him to translate them for me. And also why I'm posting them online before I get them done. Vet away, Biblical Greek and Hebrew experts! :)

1. Ezekiel 37:5 in the original Hebrew on the inside of my left wrist.
"This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones, 'I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.' " (NIV)

From what I understand, it's read from right to left and is literally translated something like,

"Thus says

the Lord God

to bones these

Behold I am bringing/causing to enter

into you a spirit/wind

and you will come to life."

There's a TON going on in this passage. God takes Ezekiel, a Jewish prophet, into the wilderness during Israel's exile in Babylon. Ezekiel surveys a valley of skeletons, the site of an epic battle fought long ago. What is in this valley isn't just dead--it's dead a thousand times over. It's dead, yes, but it's also rotten, decayed, become dust, years have passed, it's in the sun in the middle of nowhere. This isn't just death--it's concentrated hopelessness. With this in mind, God asks Ezekiel, "Can these bones live?"....do we dare hope?

Israel is waiting to be restored to her promised land, and God reveals a profound and prophetic truth to Ezekiel. God isn't done with Israel even though she continually turned her back on her Lord. The bones of a rebellious nation will, indeed, come to life. Her future glory is not yet realized. Her bones will have breath, as will mine and all of us who put our hope in the Lord. Whether you're a believer in Christ or not, THAT is a cool story. :)

I also think it's profound to have a verse about God breathing life into bones over a rather important artery. :)

2. I Corinthians 13:7 in the original Greek on the inside of my right wrist.
"[Love] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

Or more literally translated,

"Love (agape)

All things bears,

All things believes,

All things hopes,

All things endures."

"Love" isn't in that verse originally (it's in a preceding verse) because the verse starts mid sentence, so it's placed at the top, almost like a title rather than as part of the sentence. It speaks about God's heart for us and what our hearts should be for each other.


3. Illuminated Manuscript Chi Rho


This one is going to be the biggest work in progress. Illuminated manuscripts are manuscripts that have some sort of ornate decoration that contains icons/embellishments of the time or enhances the text.

You know like in old storybooks that start with "Once upon a time..." but the O is really big and fancy and there are images of flowers or a prince and princess or something on the page making it look super ornate? Yeah, like that.

What I want are icons from old Bibles, though. I essentially want to make myself into an illuminated manuscript using icons from Byzantine/medieval illuminated manuscripts.

One image that I'm DYING to get is the Chi Rho from the manuscript the Book of Kells:

The Book of Kells is a Celtic medieval manuscript. This image has the heavily stylized Chi and Rho--the first two letters of Christ's name. ISN'T IT AMAZING??? *drool*

I'd want it on my left shoulder blade. If I did this, I'd want to put a lot of text on my back to accompany it--probably a big chunk of Bible verses. Thinking about the prologue to the book of John.

Since the Book of Kells is in latin, I'd have to choose between Greek and Latin.

Either way....I has a plan.

Consequences of Failed Purity

There is something written on the heart of every woman of God that sees strong, Godly male leadership and just wants to...get naked.

Hmm, that's not what I meant...

Oh, wait, that's exactly what I meant.

It's exactly the way we as believers are meant to respond to God's loving leadership. No, I don't mean get naked. :) But kind of! We see power and beauty and care and intention by someone we trust and come to respect, and when our hearts are tuned to it, we respond by wanting to draw closer to it, become one with it.

With that in mind, levels of intimacy are meant to progress at the same pace. I never made the delineation before between my personal spiritual life and the spiritual life of my (at the time) boyfriend. So for the longest time, I let my spirit and emotions progress at their respective paces--fast and completely unchecked. I mean, that's what you're supposed to do when you date with Godly intentions, right?

No, it's really not. He was not yet mine and I was not yet his. That business happens FAST unless you deliberately guard your heart and take things slow. And you must, because the physical will inevitably follow. It HAS to--all three are meant to progress in concert. I did not understand this. It made perfect sense to my heart that desired oneness to let our hearts grow intimate while trying to just tame the physical.

Well, frankly, it made sense because I was 19 and a naive idiot who completely lacked common sense in this area...but it made sense nonetheless.

Within the first week of dating, we were already building spiritual intimacy. We prayed together, studied the Bible together, worshipped together, wrote spiritual goals for us as a couple down in a journal...it's no wonder our first kiss was a makeout session. I had placed him in my heart as my spiritual leader from the second we started dating, and my heart and body, in turn, wanted to respond to him.

We, unfortunately but not surprisingly, had sex outside the covenant of marriage. This had consequences I didn't see coming.

Remember how I talked about how women of God respond to men of God? Yeah, that trust and respect was gone.

Let me be clear: the decision to have sex was completely mine--my responsibility, my free choice, my action, and my sin. The trust and respect I lost was just as much in myself as it was him. We had to tell ourselves a lot of lies in order to make what we did feel okay:

"We're already married in our hearts."
"We're getting married someday anyway."
"It's not cheap because we love each other."
"Everything else is progressing, it only makes sense that this does, too."
"We can't undo what we've done, so we might as well keep going."

During that time, I was racked with guilt. I knew I had messed up and felt completely helpless to change the pattern we had established. I looked to the man I was going to marry for mutual remorse...but by this time, he didn't seem to have any. This was DEVASTATING to me. He seemed resigned to it in his heart. I felt like I had lost an ally. I found out much later that he was dealing with his own private battles at this time. But still, from this time on, it felt like we were on completely different pages spiritually...

Because we screwed up, got married, and never repented together over what we'd done. We just kind of figured that we were married and everything was okay and permissible now, so why revisit the past, especially since we weren't on the same page?

Our hearts don't work that way, though. Because of the trust and respect I lost in us that we never addressed through repentance and healing, we were constantly out of step. I don't need to go into details, but suffice it to say that sex isn't the joyous expression of covenant love and complete trust when you know you're not being delighted in.

I've realized since the divorce that God designed things to happen in a certain order for a reason. He knows the human heart and all of its propensities so intimately. Personally speaking, He knows my propensity to fall hard and fast out of a desperate desire to be delighted in. This is something He gave me as a gift...but it's ultimately a longing to be delighted in eternally. Something that can only be filled by Someone who eternally delights in me...and also in the committed covenant relationship of a man who experiences and understands the same eternal longing.

Let me be clear again: I don't begrudge anyone a rough story. I've made (and make) considerable mistakes. But, church, the second your significant other says, "We're already married in our hearts," run for the hills. I mean it. Because if you really love me, you'll desire to protect my purity before God...emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Repentance is what marks a believer. Repentance is attractive. Get you some.

A Heart Divided and a Divine Crescendo

The blog...it has been resurrected! During my summer break I've been rather prolific with my journaling, and I've got at least a dozen blog posts either already on paper or ready to be put there. So.

Part of my personality gets disproportionately excited about things way in advance. I pack for trips at least a week ahead of time, even if I have to wear the clothes I packed and wash/repack them. I make countdowns before I have plans finalized. I make theme songs in my head with memory montages of what I think this experience will be like, whatever it may be.

That being said...I'm moving to Phoenix in a year! Yes, a year. As in... a while from now.

Waiting for me in Phoenix are friendships to be made and renewed, grad school, living in the same city as my family after 7 years of living apart, exciting ministry opportunities at church, and probably all other kinds of crazy business. Who wouldn't be stoked?

The problem is...God has called me to be His hands and feet HERE. Where I am right now. To be a part of the Kingdom and be an agent of renewal in my immediate context. He has things to teach me about Himself and myself...now. 

Along with this great gift of enthusiasm and hope that God has engrained in my genetic makeup and socialization, my heart has twisted it into a propensity to struggle to live in the moment.

I've visited Phoenix four times in 2012 already, and every time I return to Dallas, the longing for what's next grows. I long for this sanctification process to see me more like Christ, to see this education get me into a career, to see this healing of my heart since the divorce ready for something new.

At the heart of this longing, though, is a DEEP DISCONTENT with Christ and a glaring lack of gratitude and awareness of where He's put me...now.

I've always had this bittersweet longing for heaven. I live in a reality of being given this beautiful life, gifts in the moment that make my heart burst with joy. I honestly tremble on a regular basis (maybe I should get that looked at...). But really, I marvel at the way Christ is using me to advance His kingdom...or even just when I get to experience and revel in the sweet things of this life.

BUT...while I experience the fullness of the abundant life, my heart aches to be completely absorbed into these things I love (as C.S. Lewis puts it). I want to be with my friends for-freaking-ever. Suspending relationships or maintaining them over distance can be excruciating. Even in ministry and service I experience a strain...the thrill of being used by Christ in a moment is something that catches my breath in my chest when the opportunity is over. I long for these things even AS I experience them, knowing they'll soon be gone. My heart is on the verge of breaking every time. The thought that this time, this situation, this experience won't last is...staggering.

And so in the same way I long for the permanence heaven, I long for what's next in this life. I long for constant truth, peace, and justice, for everyone to be fully known, and especially for all plans to be made clear. I long for laughs to keep going, hugs to linger, and for relationships to get closer. I ache for a divine crescendo that constantly pushes forward and leads...somewhere other than where I am. 

Don't get me wrong--where I am is fine...great, even! It's fun or challenging or hard or whatever it needs to be. But it's not whatever's is coming next...because whatever's next SURELY is going to be more life-giving than the present, right? Surely whenever I get THERE, I'll understand God's will/have finally made it/be awesome/be on the right track/have graduated/be a grown up/whatever.

When we do this, we can't soak up the moments as they come. We become so heavenly minded that we're no earthly good. We become useless to ourselves, useless to others, and completely ineffective for Christ as discontentment is inherently self-focused and the antithesis of all things remotely having to do with Jesus. Humbling ourselves and walking in obedience become acts to secure future blessings rather than get to know God's heart and will for our lives NOW.

And in doing this, we find our joy in the created rather than the Creator.