1. These are ideas that are forming, not formed. I'm still figuring this business out. So, as always, I'd love input.
2. I'd also love some pizza right now.
My question is this: is there a Biblical precedent for close single guy/girl friendships?
(Notice that I said close. I'm not talking about a dating relationship, and I don't mean an acquaintanceship/casual friendship)
My answer is this: I'm not totally sure, but I tend toward no.
What do I use to form my answer? Welp...
Biblically, there's just not much there on male/female friendship. There is plenty on how to conduct ourselves with others in general (Colossians 3), and how to conduct ourselves in marriage (Romans 12, Ephesians 5, I Corinthians 7, etc), but not much about platonic relationships with the opposite sex. While there is a cultural/historical context that speaks some to why this is, I speculate that there's intentional wisdom in this, as well.
From what I can find, it appears that the most highlighted non familial male-female relationships are 1) in marriage and 2) in ministry. The best example I can find is in Acts where Christians in the early Church fellowship, meet in groups, and serve alongside one another.
That's about it.
There's no, "And Paul spent 2 hours having a rousing heart-to-heart with his awesome girl best friend down at the well." His traveling companions and closest ministry partners were men. Jesus' inner circle was men.
So for starters, what DO we know for sure about this business?
We know that our close friendships should be:
~Equally yolked (II Corinthians 6:14-18)
In the Church we spend more time emphasizing the application of this passage to marriage and romantic relationships, but tend to leave out the friendship aspect. Our closest friends are the ones we're most likely to turn to for advice, most likely to spend long periods of time with, and most likely to be vulnerable with. Of course we're in the world but not of it--we have good relationships with nonbelievers frequently--at work, in our own families, in our communities. We are salt and light in our communities, and people get to see that salt and light by being in relationships with us. But those we elect to be in our inner circles...Paul speaks clearly about the need for them to be believers.
~Above Reproach (Titus 2:7-8, I Timothy 4:12, Ephesians 4:17-5:21)
Paul talks in a number of places about conducting ourselves in a way that's blameless before everyone so that 1) we won't cause others to stumble and 2) no one can say anything against us. This is highlighted in Ephesians 5:3 when is says we should have "not even a hint" of immorality.
~Building up the Church (I Thessalonians 5:11, I Corinthians 14:12, Jude 20)
As people who identify ourselves as followers of Christ, we're part of a community whose main purpose in life is to glorify God. God loves His people and gives us resources (including each other) to make each other more like Him.
That's about it.
There's no, "And Paul spent 2 hours having a rousing heart-to-heart with his awesome girl best friend down at the well." His traveling companions and closest ministry partners were men. Jesus' inner circle was men.
So for starters, what DO we know for sure about this business?
We know that our close friendships should be:
~Equally yolked (II Corinthians 6:14-18)
In the Church we spend more time emphasizing the application of this passage to marriage and romantic relationships, but tend to leave out the friendship aspect. Our closest friends are the ones we're most likely to turn to for advice, most likely to spend long periods of time with, and most likely to be vulnerable with. Of course we're in the world but not of it--we have good relationships with nonbelievers frequently--at work, in our own families, in our communities. We are salt and light in our communities, and people get to see that salt and light by being in relationships with us. But those we elect to be in our inner circles...Paul speaks clearly about the need for them to be believers.
~Above Reproach (Titus 2:7-8, I Timothy 4:12, Ephesians 4:17-5:21)
Paul talks in a number of places about conducting ourselves in a way that's blameless before everyone so that 1) we won't cause others to stumble and 2) no one can say anything against us. This is highlighted in Ephesians 5:3 when is says we should have "not even a hint" of immorality.
~Building up the Church (I Thessalonians 5:11, I Corinthians 14:12, Jude 20)
As people who identify ourselves as followers of Christ, we're part of a community whose main purpose in life is to glorify God. God loves His people and gives us resources (including each other) to make each other more like Him.
So...using what there is in Scripture about how we treat people generally (with proactive grace and truth), and how we treat marriage specifically (with protection, which I wrote about here and will explain more), I form these ideas intuitively (in my Steph brain):
You become the company you keep, right?
Men, you want to become men of God? Hang with men of God.
Women want to become women of God? Hang with women of God.
Conversely...
A man doesn't become a man of God by hanging out with mostly women.
A woman doesn't become a woman of God by hanging out with mostly men.
The question I'm processing through is, then...what kind of time/interaction with a single member of the opposite sex IS appropriate?
....I don't know yet. But I can tell you what it's NOT.
It's not friends with benefits (Eph. 5:3)
It's not hooking up (I Thess. 4:3)
And (perhaps controversially), I'd say it's not being close friends. (Heb. 13:4)
Let me explain.
Hebrews 13:4--"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral."
This verse talks about marriage, but it has implications for other relationships, as well. Especially those relationships that could LEAD to marriage.
While a lot of the verse addresses sexuality, I think the first part of the sentence is a tremendous catch-all. While it's a little more obvious to think about not crossing physical boundaries, a lot of us singles have emotionally whored ourselves out to the opposite sex. Like I talked about in my post on the consequences of breaking God-given boundaries, there are emotional and spiritual lines that shouldn't be crossed in addition to the physical.
Openness is a quality valued highly by our generation in the Church, and we champion buzz words like "authentic," "intentional," and "real." As well we should. Good times.
But openness in relationships is meant to accomplish one thing: intimacy. Who you are being intimate with and how you are doing so matters.
Another thing that strikes me about "platonic" guy/girl intimacy is this:
It's likely that fuzzy boundaries in friendships will carry over to fuzzy boundaries in marriage. The way I treat men--how personal I get with them and how quickly I do it--is a good indication of how I will relate to them later. There isn't a magical maturity button or switch that flips when you get married. The way you relate to the opposite sex won't just change because you're officially off the market.
If you've ever uttered these statements about your close opposite sex friend, listen up:
"Oh, but I'd never date him/her."
"S/He's like my sister/brother."
"S/He's my best friend."
There are a lot of problems with these statements, I think.
Just because you tell people that a certain guy is "like your brother," that doesn't mean he is your brother. He's potential, just like you are. Treating someone of potential like they're NOT potential sends a message contrary to truth.
Chances are that if he WAS your brother, people would probably think it was weird for you two to be spending so much time talking/texting/hanging out. Most opposite sex siblings are not like that, and when they are, they turn heads. They'd probably turn yours. That should tell you something.
Treating him or talking about him like he's one of the girls/your best friend is harmful rather than helpful to his becoming a man of God. It also kind of reveals that you don't want him to. Any woman worth her salt seeing your "best friend" being chummy with you all the time is going to lose interest in him. More on this in my next post.
He also may think he's getting (rather crappy) practice at being your spiritual leader. This is vastly troubling...because he's not.
So, practically speaking...
If my desire is to become a woman of God, but I spend a disproportionate amount of time with guys, or even a certain guy, I need to be honest with myself about what I'm getting from that relationship.
I recently took a hard and honest look at my friendships with single guys. The reality was humbling: most of them had either expressed some kind of romantic interest in me, or I had expressed it in them.
So then...our saying we're friends is dishonest. Even if it's just dishonest for one of us, that's not the friend box. That's the...dishonesty...box. I dunno what to call it. But for Christians, Truth is our ally. And living above our hearts is not walking in Truth.
If our goal is to love the "other," and if love inherently seeks the BEST for its object, then it must become my desire to die to my need for approval and attention and ...protect the hearts and possible future marriages of my single guy friends. This, I think, is what Hebrews 13:4 is getting at. Honoring marriage while you're a part of it, but certainly honoring it before it's even in the picture.
If you say you're just friends, are you really interacting on the level of a casual friendship?
The question I'm processing through is, then...what kind of time/interaction with a single member of the opposite sex IS appropriate?
....I don't know yet. But I can tell you what it's NOT.
It's not friends with benefits (Eph. 5:3)
It's not hooking up (I Thess. 4:3)
And (perhaps controversially), I'd say it's not being close friends. (Heb. 13:4)
Let me explain.
Hebrews 13:4--"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral."
This verse talks about marriage, but it has implications for other relationships, as well. Especially those relationships that could LEAD to marriage.
While a lot of the verse addresses sexuality, I think the first part of the sentence is a tremendous catch-all. While it's a little more obvious to think about not crossing physical boundaries, a lot of us singles have emotionally whored ourselves out to the opposite sex. Like I talked about in my post on the consequences of breaking God-given boundaries, there are emotional and spiritual lines that shouldn't be crossed in addition to the physical.
Openness is a quality valued highly by our generation in the Church, and we champion buzz words like "authentic," "intentional," and "real." As well we should. Good times.
But openness in relationships is meant to accomplish one thing: intimacy. Who you are being intimate with and how you are doing so matters.
Another thing that strikes me about "platonic" guy/girl intimacy is this:
It's likely that fuzzy boundaries in friendships will carry over to fuzzy boundaries in marriage. The way I treat men--how personal I get with them and how quickly I do it--is a good indication of how I will relate to them later. There isn't a magical maturity button or switch that flips when you get married. The way you relate to the opposite sex won't just change because you're officially off the market.
If you've ever uttered these statements about your close opposite sex friend, listen up:
"Oh, but I'd never date him/her."
"S/He's like my sister/brother."
"S/He's my best friend."
There are a lot of problems with these statements, I think.
Just because you tell people that a certain guy is "like your brother," that doesn't mean he is your brother. He's potential, just like you are. Treating someone of potential like they're NOT potential sends a message contrary to truth.
Chances are that if he WAS your brother, people would probably think it was weird for you two to be spending so much time talking/texting/hanging out. Most opposite sex siblings are not like that, and when they are, they turn heads. They'd probably turn yours. That should tell you something.
Treating him or talking about him like he's one of the girls/your best friend is harmful rather than helpful to his becoming a man of God. It also kind of reveals that you don't want him to. Any woman worth her salt seeing your "best friend" being chummy with you all the time is going to lose interest in him. More on this in my next post.
He also may think he's getting (rather crappy) practice at being your spiritual leader. This is vastly troubling...because he's not.
So, practically speaking...
If my desire is to become a woman of God, but I spend a disproportionate amount of time with guys, or even a certain guy, I need to be honest with myself about what I'm getting from that relationship.
I recently took a hard and honest look at my friendships with single guys. The reality was humbling: most of them had either expressed some kind of romantic interest in me, or I had expressed it in them.
So then...our saying we're friends is dishonest. Even if it's just dishonest for one of us, that's not the friend box. That's the...dishonesty...box. I dunno what to call it. But for Christians, Truth is our ally. And living above our hearts is not walking in Truth.
If our goal is to love the "other," and if love inherently seeks the BEST for its object, then it must become my desire to die to my need for approval and attention and ...protect the hearts and possible future marriages of my single guy friends. This, I think, is what Hebrews 13:4 is getting at. Honoring marriage while you're a part of it, but certainly honoring it before it's even in the picture.
If you say you're just friends, are you really interacting on the level of a casual friendship?
I really love reading your thoughts and perspectives.
ReplyDeleteSteph, thanks for sharing your thoughts on this! Cool to read another perspective on it.
ReplyDeleteI remember having this debate with my parents when I was a teenager. My mom and I thought that close opposite sex friendships were possible but difficult and my dad thought they were impossible. He said that they never work. I think I agree with him now.
It's the intimacy thing. As two people become closer they create emotional intimacy, and inevitably one person develops feelings. So if both parties are not on the same page - confusion, frustration, etc. I think that we are hardwired to progress through these stages of intimacy. So doing so outside of an open, honest relationship leads to problems.
Also it sounds like you might be going here next, but the reality of holding someone emotionally hostage within a close friendship. Either because they are holding out hope of a relationship or because you don't want to loose the relationship. No bueno.
Love you and glad we are friends, but not "best" friends!