Singleness and the Idol of Family

There's a beautiful push in the Church to take the focus off of individualized self actualization and redirect it to families.

This is a big deal. A lot of parents in our self-exulting postmodern society replace their kids with themselves in terms of priority. Many churches are calling men to be engaged fathers, loving husbands, and servant leaders as sacrificial, Godly heads. Simultaneously, they're convicting women to complete and complement the way the Holy Spirit does with sacrificial, loving submission. Encouraging families to serve together, read the Word together, grow in love and sacrifice together. I SUPER dig that business.

However...what can be a beautiful revival of the place of the family in the Church is, I've noticed, being bent toward to an idolization of family and marriage.

Caveat--this is NOT true of every church, every individual, and every family. These are just things I have noticed after being part of the Church as a married person AND now as a single person.

HEAR THIS FIRST: I love marriage. I highly respect it. God made it for a host of beautiful reasons, my favorite 2 being how it gives us humanoids a tangible demonstration of 1) Christ's love for the Church and 2) the great love/submission/glory of the Trinity. Frankly, I'd love to have it again someday.

THAT BEING SAID, THOUGH. The way the Church talks about marriage is often done in a way that makes it seem like one is somehow incomplete, less sanctified, less stable, or less...awesome... without marriage. This, frankly, is unbiblical and completely misses what Paul says about our lives as Christians--single OR married.

Tim Keller (loooove him) writes in his chapter on singleness in his book The Meaning of Marriage, and talks about how the Church in the West has lost sight of the goodness of singleness. He quotes Paige Benton Brown as she picks apart the various ways that Christian churches try to "explain" singleness (this made me cringe as I've DEFINITELY said some of these...ha):

"As soon as you're satisfied with God alone, he'll bring someone special into your life."

...as though God's blessings are ever earned by our contentment.

"You're too picky."

...as though God is frustrated by our fickle whims and needs broader parameters in which to work.

"As a single you can commit yourself wholeheartedly to the Lord's work."

...as though God requires emotional martyrs to do his work, of which marriage must be no part.

"Before you can marry someone wonderful, the Lord has to make you someone wonderful."

...as though God grants marriage as a second blessing to the satisfactorily sanctified.


Why are we all super awkward when we talk about singleness?
I think it's because we've missed the God's purpose for the Church. If we understood that, this stuff would be way easier. And more affirming, for that matter.

I think what we need is a little understanding from both sides, perhaps. This list is by no means comprehensive, and a lot of points overlap between singles and marrieds. I've categorized them in a way that makes sense to me.

HOW SINGLES ARE RIDICULOUS:

1. Playing the victim.

People say stupid things about your singleness. They give you unsolicited advice. They give you shallow suggestions and make condescending remarks. I've heard quite a few. I've also said quite a few.
Get. Over. It. Everyone does this to everyone in every circumstance.
The question isn't "why do people say stupid stuff?" The question is "how do I respond?"

Truth: Believe it or not, your single situation isn't harder or more pitiable than anyone else's. You do not have a corner on suffering. Everybody suffers, everybody has a story.
When you say something completely idiotic to someone, you hope they respond with grace, yes?
You should do the same.
In order to respond with grace, though, you must have a right understanding of suffering.
Consider it joy when you face trials so that you'll persevere. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:1)

Completion = contentment. When we are complete in Christ, we can't HELP but respond to pithy statements from others about our singleness with grace.

2. Not participating in your Church family.
God gives us everything we need to get through this life. Whether we're single temporarily or indefinitely, our discontentment often comes from loneliness and entitlement.
The great news is, though, we're 1) not alone and 2) deserve nothing but have been given everything.
God accomplishes this through His Spirit and His Word, but especially His people.

Truth: You're called to be known by your spiritual family. You have every imaginable role to play in it--sibling, child, parent, mentor, mentee, disciple, friend, babysitter, teacher, student...
It's not just a beautiful place that God gave us singles to find family in, though. It's a Biblical mandate to be involved in, which I wrote about previously here.
To be bitter about not having a family while neglecting the roles you're called to play in the spiritual family God's made you for (and made for you) is, well, backwards.

Intimately knowing Jesus as your spouse ushers you into a beautiful (and crazy) family. Jump in.

3. Idolizing marriage.
This really applies to everybody--single and married.
Truth: Indeed, marriage is a beautiful mystery (Eph 5). But no marriage will ever satisfy your need to be delighted in eternally.
This highly individualized society so prizes self fulfillment, and we're conditioned from the time we're young (helloooo, Disney) to believe that all our needs will be met by someone in marriage. Imperfect people can never EVER do that for each other.

As Tim Keller puts it, we totally buy into the illusion that "if we find our one true soul mate, everything wrong with us will be healed; but that makes the lover into God, and no human being can live up to that....After all, what is it that we want when we elevate the love partner to the position of God? We want redemption--nothing less."

Marriage is not about personal fulfillment, someone helping you realize your potential, or someone meeting all your needs and letting you be yourself. It's not about you finding and maintaining your independence. It's a profound gift and another beautiful expression of a benevolent Father's love for His children. It's two notoriously broken people covenanting in a lifelong journey.

Take marriage off the pedestal. Marriage not an end in itself--that would make God a means. He's no means--He's the end.


HOW MARRIED FRIENDS HAVE MADE IT HARDER:

1. Not speaking Truth to us when we're being ridiculous about being single.
Sure, everyone needs the freedom to be frustrated or express discontentment. But as our friends, if you let us run our mouths into an escalation that reveals deep dissatisfaction or hostility, that's a heart attitude that we're supposed to be calling out in each other.
Truth: As our friends, you owe us the truth about our situation: when we abide in God, we enter in the dance of the Trinity. We experience the powerful, overwhelming love of our Father, and we are His bride.
I am His daughter. I am his Creation...and I grow in the love of my divine Spouse. That same Truth speaks to your discontentment in marriage, in parenting, in singleness, in joblessness, in life...and you owe it to us.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend (Prov 27:6)

Discontentment is not exclusive to singles--we just apply it to our singleness. Just like we're supposed to be patient with you when you share your discontent about whatever, be patient with us...but remind us of Truth and the big picture.

2. Not being honest with us about other reasons why we may be single.

Do you have a friend who does something unattractive with her face?
Do you have that guy friend who would love to be married but is really immature?
What about brosef who has a great personality but disgusto hygiene?
Or that girl friend who refuses to go out in anything other than something an 18yo would wear?
What about that girl who has a sweet heart but isn't willing to actually go places where she might interact with guys?
Or maybe that girl who is 28 but has no ambition, or that guy who just plays Xbox all day?
Or she's really smart, but is also kind of easy?

Truth: Just like you marrieds can't see the logs in your own eyes (Matt 7) and have a built-in mirror that you're yoked with for the rest of your life, we singles need that, too.
There may be something super obvious (and likely rather sensitive) that we're overlooking.

Being made aware of these kinds of things will likely make us better people/friends/family members all around, and that can only have a helpful effect on our comprehensive attractiveness.

3. Neglecting the fact that we play a God-ordained, indispensable role in a family already.

That family that we'll have "someday"--we already have one, and it's you.

Truth: I'm part of the family of the Church (Matt 12:50). I disciple people, I am discipled by others. I show love to men and women--both single and married. People of substance sharpen me in painful (and beautiful) ways, and I sharpen others, as well.

Raising kids does not have to mean that they are mine. Followers of Christ are called to be trained in the Word in order to teach others (2 Tim 2:1-2). I'm a nanny--I invest in kids every day. I work in the nursery at church and love on crabby little toddlers who are DYING to show off that they know what the sheep says. I have 4 nieces that I get to babysit and have awesome conversations with.
Are you encouraging us to participate in intergenerational relationships? Are you doing so yourself?

We may have a nuclear family that looks like yours someday, but right now, we're not off the hook for the one Family we're a part of.

4. Not sharing your marriages with us.
When you get married, it's just easier to identify with married people. You're struggling through similar things, sharing similar victories, looking for similar advice, tend to be on similar schedules.
I've done it--I get the draw.
But as I just shared in the aforementioned point about us being part of a family...it's hard to be part of a family when that family is insistent on retreating into itself all the time.
You've gleaned lessons from being intimately known by someone that we singles (or even other marrieds!) haven't been clued in on yet.
When married couples disappear into their married bubble and forget to come back out sometimes, you're not allowing members of our spiritual family to learn from you (or you learn from them!).

Truth: We're meant to share life together...not just when we're in the same life stage.
Open your homes to each other, meet each other's needs, break bread together--Acts 2:42-47
Submit to one another--Eph 5:21 (This includes the single people in your life!)
Honor each other above yourselves--Rom. 12:10
Instruct one another--Rom 15:14

Keep your special things special, and keep yourselves fortified, but come out from the bubble and share your lives with us, yo!

5. Talking about singleness like it's a waiting period.
A lot of material that I've come across addressing singles includes large segments on singleness as a season of waiting. A time to be preparing our hearts for marriage. I don't really think this is the case, at least not in the way we've been talking about it.

Truth: From what I've read, the Bible never speaks about singleness like a latency period for growth, maturity, and ministry.
Paul spends a lot of 1 Cor 7 laying out God's heart for singleness, marriage and divorce. He speaks many times of singleness as a good (or even a better) state, since someone who is single doesn't have the pull of their attention (although there's nothing wrong with this) on maintaining an intimate relationship with another person.
He really never talks about the purpose of singleness as a waiting period for marriage...as if your life was on hold until this goal was achieved. Talking about the purpose of singleness is kind of like talking about the purpose of...life. What are we supposed to do in all seasons? Pursue Christ faithfully. Grow in faith. Show God's love to others. Make disciples.

I just don't see any biblical evidence of "use this time to dream up your ideal mate and obsess over them until your heart is so discontent in Christ and hostile toward His waiting to give you a spouse that your marriage, should it come, is worse off than if you wouldn't have done any of that 'preparation.' "
Okay, that was an exaggeration.

I see no problem in people praying for and intentionally trying to let God prepare their hearts for marriage...only done with the humility and willingness to embark on whatever journey God has for them.

Singleness isn't any more or less a season than anything else in life. The only thing we know for sure is that it's a gift. So...let's talk about it like it's that.



I love how marriage and singleness are both talked about as gifts in Scripture. Not plan A and plan B, not more ideal and less ideal. In a decade-old sermon written by Tim Keller, he quoted Stanley Hauerwas and said singleness and marriage are both necessarily part of the kingdom:

"If singleness is a symbol of the church's confidence in God's power to convert lives for the growth of the church, marriage and procreation is the symbol of the church's hope for the world."

(Also, go do yourself a favor right now and get a copy of Tim Keller's The Meaning of Marriage. Both married and single will benefit hugely from its wisdom.)