What in the WORLD do I do with single guys?
Where's the line?
Is it the same as with married guys?
Is it the same as with single girls?
This first post will deal with the question of what to do with married friends of the opposite sex.
Why is this perplexing me so much?
Well...
When I was married it was easy for me to subscribe to the "hedge of protection" mode of behavior. You're a single guy? Cool. I'll hang out with you when my husband's around, but we're definitely not going to have personal or emotional conversations. You're probably much more my husband's friend than mine.
You're a married guy? Cool. I'll hang out with you when my husband's around, and it's probably imperative that your wife's around, too. We'll still avoid one-on-one personal or emotional conversations.
The bottom line was easy: I protect my marriage, I protect your marriage. Even your future marriage (more on that in the next post). Finito. The end.
So...now that I'm single, I keep the same parameters with married guys. I don't seek out one-on-one time, and I won't have a serious or personal conversation unless his wife is part of it. I probably won't even spend time with him unless his wife is a closer friend to me than he is.
You may call that extreme, but if there was ever a situation to be "better safe than sorry," marriage is it. "Losing out" on knowing a guy friend a little more personally is nothing compared to "losing out" on a marriage that fell apart because of broken trust or infidelity.
That being said...I know there are PLENTY of people who disagree with me. I even have a few close friends who disagree. It's been a point of contention on more than one occasion.
I have a dear friend who once mused to me, "I'm just a flirtatious person. So is my husband. So I'm going to flirt with other guys, and he's going to flirt with other girls. But at the end of the day, I know he's not going to run off with anyone. So I don't see what the big deal is."
The crux of it for me at this point in my life is that it's a heart issue.
Well, in truth, everything is a heart issue.
God is SO primarily concerned with hearts. WHY is it okay for married guys/gals to have opposite sex friends? Even close opposite sex friends? What do you glean from that relationship? How does it make the Church look? How does it make Jesus look? How does it make YOU look (Romans 12:17. II Cor. 8:21)?
Since Christianity and sanctification are inherently introspective, I'll let you in on my thought process.
Even if flirtation is "harmless," what's the goal? Is it harmless to be deliberately garnering the attention of someone you're not one with (or if you're single and the other person is married, is it harmless to garner the attention of someone who is one with someone else?)?
We really can't afford not to think about this.
As followers of Christ who profess to have had their minds transformed into His likeness, every interaction, every heart intention and behavior must be evaluated (II Cor. 10:5). There isn't really a paradigm of "we don't really have to think about this" or "it's not a big deal" in Christianity.
Everything comes back to the heart (Luke 6:45).
So the bottom line for me....
In the spirit of self examination...I have a flirtatious personality. I'm snarky, witty, and sarcastic. There's something in my heart as a woman that finds value in making a guy laugh. If I can dazzle him with my intelligence, all the better. If I can get positive attention from a guy...my heart wants that.
Of course my heart wants that! It's basic. It's human.
But it's also the least common denominator.
Everyone wants attention. Everyone looks for value and approval. We love the praise of men (John 12:43)
SO...if my heart is meant to be bent toward Christ, my goal to make Christ more famous, my mission to direct others toward Him and not be a stumbling block for anyone, my mindset to make Christ and the Church look as good as possible...is flirtation with married men really harmless?
I would personally say that it isn't.
Even if my intent is not to cause strife between a man and his wife, even if I want nothing from that interaction but a smile and some nonverbal affirmation that I am pretty/smart/funny/talented/whatever, my heart is looking for approval from someone other than the One whose opinion actually matters...
AND He is jealous and demands all of my attention and affection.
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
Proverbs 4:23
"I'm just a flirtatious person. So is my husband. So I'm going to flirt with other guys, and he's going to flirt with other girls. But at the end of the day, I know he's not going to run off with anyone. So I don't see what the big deal is."
ReplyDeleteOh, my! Warn me if she comes near my husband!
I saddens me to see Christian women who are blinded to how much Satan hates their marriage
...or their purity before marriage! Maybe they've never encountered this devil (most likely because they have not radically changed their life post-Christ to warrent his attacks) or maybe they truely do not think infidelity could happen to them.
That's exactly how I fell into sexual sin in the first place, thinking I was above it. It wasn't until I took my "I will never" and turned it to "God, give me strength to never" that I was able to overcome.
Without question, today’s postmodern society encourages men and women to be “sexy,” but we must understand that Christians are to be virtuous! Isaiah describes a flirtatious woman when he says, "“Because the daughters of Zion are proud And walk with heads held high and seductive eyes..." (Isa 3:16) In sign language the sign for flirting is to hold your hands to your eyes, palm down, and wiggle your fingers as if your lashes are batting themselves ...seductive eyes. Adultery never starts strong. It begins with an unchecked conversation. It begins with a giggle. Just like the Devil, it reveals itself as an Angel of Light and departs with a laugh over the carcasses it left.
Thank you for the sobering reminder at how dear our marriages, be it present or future should be. Our spouses are to be continuely won.
-Courtney
Courtney it makes me smile that you brought up sign language. I worked as an interpreter for the Deaf for awhile. :)
ReplyDelete"Adultery never starts strong. It begins with an unchecked conversation. It begins with a giggle. Just like the Devil, it reveals itself as an Angel of Light and departs with a laugh over the carcasses it left."
I love the way you put that. Especially because that place of believing that you are above infidelity, or that your spouse is above it, is the most dangerous position to be in. That's a reality I'm slowly thawing to...that there is no sin that I'm above, no matter how "little" I struggle with it.
James 1 talks about that progression. It's really striking to me that it just begins with desire...because most of us wouldn't call desire a bad thing! But those small desires for approval and attention, if not recognized and truncated, WILL become sin, which WILL become death.
I think the initial stages of flirtation and flattery can be just as detrimental as the later stages of broken trust. It can foster a sense of resignation and apathy when one watches the apple of one's eye entertain the attention of others. Our hearts become hard...albeit quietly.
It kind of reveals that we in the church can have a great underestimation of our own depravity. We're not poor in spirit. We don't see ourselves and those around us as just a few decisions away from a complete moral and spiritual nose dive.
If the goal is to love, and love MUST seek the best for its object, it follows that we would want to help it achieve its best. Why wouldn't spouses want to make it easy for each other to trust each other?