Roar on, Mamas

Normally I write these posts not caring in the slightest if anyone reads them.
This one, however, is quite important to me.

Sometimes God lets us in on His heart for something in a way we haven't understood it before. This is one of those moments for me.

It's about moms...more specifically, what occurs through the eyes of this single individual who isn't a mother, but who wants to understand things the way God sees them.
If that's your heart, too, read on!
If not, fine. Go make yourself a sandwich.

Let me set the stage for you...

It's a familiar scene. I sit down with a few dear friends...two gals are moms, one gal pregnant. After greeting each other happily and spending some time laughing and catching up on our lives, suddenly the pregnant friend asks the more seasoned mamas about a prenatal doctor's visit.
Thirty minutes later, they remember that I'm there and at least look at me sometimes while they talk to each other.

For a few years now I have had the privilege of seeing several friends go through pregnancy and early motherhood. Admittedly, I've experienced a small but real sense of resentment toward the gals in my life. Sometimes it's felt like they only want to talk to...other mamas. I understood that they were going through similar things that I hadn't experienced yet, but I felt like it was a club that I wasn't invited to be a member of. I felt a little outside the cool we-made-babies circle.

I've felt distant from these new-mom friends and just hated it. I've been tempted to resign myself to just believing that we are in different life stages and will inevitably grow apart, BUT (yay) the Lord opened my eyes to something during a visit with a new-mom friend yesterday.


So...this is for the single gals like me who haven't understood, for the fellas who won't experience it (but can be an outstanding support), and, most of all, for the wildly, deeply courageous humans who are called "mama."

I never before considered what a huge shift in identity this is. I mean, I've heard lots of friends talk about the dramatic role shift and life change, but I'd never really considered how drastic this really is in terms of how it occurs.  It's probably more stark than any other role a human can play, regardless of gender.

There's this tremendous, jarring paradigm shift that occurs super abruptly that these people cannot hope to have practiced or adequately planned for.
They go from an employee, wife, lover, grocery shopper, house cleaner, meal preparer, party planner, book reader, traveler, work-outer, friend, daughter, woman with well-rehearsed roles to....this person whose body goes through this traumatic, life-altering pain.
AND THEN while their poor, raw bodies have been stretched and crushed and broken and ripped to shreds, "recoverer" isn't even a role they then get to play.
It's "caregiver."
Exhausted limbs must lift, heave, stretch, and support. Sleepless eyes must be vigilant for every lack, every discomfort and every danger. Fresh wounds are reopened so that her spent body can move to where the cries are coming from.

Then...having been pushed to the brink of physical human suffering, they limp wearily into this new role and are immediately demanded to stretch, move, and adapt without training or a chance to gain bearings...completely disoriented and often scared to tears.
There's a crippling realization that she has no idea what she's doing and that she may never know how to do anything right ever again. There's no standard measure telling her she's doing things well enough. There's no performance review. No breaks. No time off. Just an expectation that she'll give and give and give, and when there's nothing left, she'll give more.
Panic. Anxiety. Isolation. Loneliness. Defeat.

The profoundly amazing thing is...they aren't defeated.
They may whimper...but they whimper into an unknown world, plant their lost, broken feet, and roar with a tenacity that would make the most violent lion retreat into its den. 
They join the ancient chorus of women who have limped forward only to roar humanity into perpetuity with their wild and relentless love.

They somehow find ways through the confusion, despair, and exhaustion to find joy in a little grin. Their rent hearts leap at every little hard-won victory. Quiet moments are used to restore sanity rather than contemplate the mysteries of life...the biggest mystery sometimes being how she'll survive another moment if the little life that needs her awakes from naptime early.

SO ROAR ON, MAMAS.
Your untamable hearts and unique stories of selfless, sacrificial toil deserve to be told and relished.  
You deserve every stripe you have, and you have humbled this selfish heart.
May I learn to roar like you.

Advent: Getting Rid of the Ugly

It doesn't take knowing me long to figure out that I ADORE the Christmas season.
I love the kitsch, the cheesy songs, decorating the tree (anyone's tree, really...I've helped with 4 so far), cookie baking, Muppet Christmas Carol (which I can probably quote from start to finish), geekin' out to Amy Grant and Michael Buble, I just discovered Cee Lo Green's Christmas album and stinkin' love it!

If Christmas could be a love language, it'd be this gal's.

Now, advent, however... is a whole other thing.

The incarnation. The intervention of God in humanity. The One who was thought to be some divine impersonal Logos becoming a person with skin and hair and guts. The answer to humanity's longing and crying for a solution to the human sin condition.

For those who don't know what it is, Advent is the time that Christians take during the weeks before Christmas to take on the posture of the Old Testament Jews and "wait for the Messiah." We wait as those who have already received the Messiah in Jesus Christ, but in doing so we wait for Him to come again when He will restore all things, and everyone will know Him as the true King.

Most of my Decembers for the 10 years that I've been observing Advent have seen me waiting on God for...something. An answer, direction, a truth, an epiphany, something like that.

On this side of the resurrection, we already know the end goal. Christ CAME. Yeah, there is the waiting, but mostly there's the thing that's been waited for. The prize. The end. The change. The incarnation. It's happened, and we wait with hope because...the mystery's been solved.

HOWEVER...I've been missing something significant (not the first time that's happened :/).

In viewing waiting this way, I've made waiting a period of latency and passivity.
But it's not just what we're waiting FOR.
It's the waiting itself, y'all.

While the end is what gives the hope, it's the longing in the meantime that makes the juxtaposition of the unrealized/realized hope so powerful.

This year I've come to see Advent as kind of a mini lifetime. A microcosm, if you will.
If one could take a lifetime with all of its experiences and lessons and events and joys and sorrows and concentrate it down into one month, it bears a remarkable likeness to the Advent season:
~We've got a promise of the coming King
~There's lots of fellowship
~Times of loneliness and joy feel extra hard or extra beautiful
~The hurts and lack of justice in the world are augmented
~There are lots of distractions with materialism and missing the point altogether through the love of secondary or created goods

And, just as in my life, if I am to work out my salvation with fear and trembling, the Advent season as a concentrated lifetime should see me laboring even more to be like Christ...not to just wait passively.

Now, the end is, indeed, GLORIOUS! A perfect prize--the first coming of the incarnation as well as the time when He will come again and establish His kingdom on earth.

...but He delays. He makes us wait. Why?
So that people who don't believe may come to repentance, and so that we who are regenerate might be made more like Him.

II Peter 3:11-12
"...what sort of people ought you to be in lives of holiness and godliness, waiting for and hastening the coming of the day of God..."

I've been faced with this question this Advent: What sort of person ought I to be, and am I becoming that? Because I'm becoming something, whether I know it or mean to or not.

C.S. Lewis speaks to this in Mere Christianity:
"...every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before.And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish creature...
To be the one kind of creature is heaven: that is, it is joy and peace and knowledge and power. To be the other means madness, horror, idiocy, rage, impotence, and eternal loneliness.
Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state or the other."

So this Advent...I've been called to actively wait and work out my salvation, basking in the beauty of the incarnation while warring against my flesh and selfishness.

He has come, and He is coming. Wait well with me.

On God's Heart

So. Most people who have talked to me for more than ten minutes over the past 8 months have heard me say the phrase, "I got to learn a lot about God's heart through the divorce and all the crap I went through."
Or something more eloquent than that. (Not likely.)

It occurred to me recently, though, that I haven't gone into any detail at all about what I actually learned.
Because I'm lame.
Let's call it...divine omnibenevolence amnesia. Or the forgetsy oopsies.

PLEASE forgive my lack of witness. Time to testifyyyyyyy! *waves hand in the air*

What I've Learned on God's Heart:

1. He wants me to understand who He is vastly more than what He does.
Frankly, you can't become like someone you don't personally know. The goal isn't to become like some interesting construction of Christ based on collective opinion or cultural Christianity. The only way to really become like Him is to experience Him as He ACTUALLY is. Not just talking about or understanding the value of Him drawing close to me...but actually DOING it.

I mean, I can end up having similar attributes to someone by happenstance (both Lebron and I might be competitive, for example...), but to become like someone who is wholly unlike us in every way takes an enormous amount of intentional time and study.
Knowing Him...spending disciplined time in the Word, letting prayer become a posture and a continuous internal dialogue rather than a quip said before meals and bedtime, and taking time to really open myself up to who He wants to reveal Himself as (rather than who I've constructed Him to be) has changed everything.
~John 17:3 And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent.

2. He really, really hates sin.
We kind of talk about this vaguely in the church...but as I've spent more time intimately involved with Him and asking Him to let me feel what He feels, I've definitely experienced more of a righteous indignation over my own sin.
He deeply hates sin. He hates it because He knows the end from the beginning. He knows precisely how the selfish decisions I make destroy my relationships, the lies I tell violate people's trust in me, the immaturity I exercise crushes my example, and the foolishness I partake in undermines the church's credibility and makes a joke of my witness.
 He hates sin because He can't commit it, because it's a violation of His character, and we are never more unlike Him than when we are engulfed in ourselves and entrenched in sin.
Spending more time abiding with Him directly results in a greater awareness of the Holy Spirit's presence...and the Spirit's convicting work is BRUTAL when my heart proceeds in rebellion.
He hates when I sin, and He lets me feel it.
~Psalm 5:4 ...evil may not dwell with you...
~Psalm 11:5-6 The Lord tests the righteous, but his soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence. Let him rain coals on the wicked; fire and sulfur and a scorching wind shall be the portion of their cup. (daaaang, Jesus...)
⁵ 

3. He delights in us.
I hesitate to say this a bit, because experience is pretty subjective...but palpably feeling God's approval is pretty stinkin' exciting.
It's kind of like when you study really hard and get an A, or when you surprise a loved one with a gift and they love it as much as you thought they would...only it's a dozen times better, because the approval He gives us is entirely unmerited by us.
Like I mentioned in point #1, knowing Him means spending time and abiding with Him. As we become more in tune with His Spirit, it's kind of like we start to do life together with Him. He experiences things along with us (He's not temporal like we are, but He has experienced life as a human and understands...is what I mean). So when He feels things, if we're abiding in Him, we feel them, too. And just like I feel His anger over my sin, I also feel His joy as his daughter.
I've been struck lately by how multidimensional His emotions are...that He knows what's going to happen and yet STILL delights in it once it does happen. For most of us, knowing the surprise ruins the joy of it. Knowing the end takes the delight out of the process. He, however, is not robbed or depleted of joy even though He knows every act of obedience we will ever commit.
He's just that awesome. :)
~Psalm 149:4 For the Lord takes pleasure in His people. He will beautify the humble with salvation.

If you haven't noticed, I've quoted a lot of Psalms. David, the author of the Psalms, is referred to as the man after God's own heart. Who better to speak on God's heart than one who is reputed for most diggin' on that business??

Good golly!!! I could write way more on this.
But I'm trying to get better about my disgustingly long posts.

So for now... I'm kid-on-christmas-morning thankful over who He is, His righteous anger, and His deep and constant delight.

Divorce, Identity, and Restored Humanity

My sister suggested to me that I was not done writing about identity yet.
...She was right.
This gets more to the heart of what I was talking about in my last post...and isn't as long. :)
It's also much more easily delivered through the context of my own story.

Having gone through a divorce and being involved in a ministry that works with divorced people, identity is a topic that I deal with a lot.
It's obviously not just me...everyone has a story that shapes, destroys, or rebuilds his or her sense of self, but divorce is one that employs all three.

So.

One of the repercussions of dealing with divorce is loneliness. This is not something I struggle with often by any means, but in the days, weeks, and months after my ex asked me to move out, I experienced somewhat of a shock to the system at being forced to adjust to coming home at the end of the day to...no one.
Sure, I missed having someone to talk to, cook with, and watch random nonsense on hulu with. But what struck me most deeply was the wrenching emptiness of feeling unknown.
DON'T GET ME WRONG...I have amazing people in my life who go to GREAT lengths to love me well.
The incomplete nature of this life on earth, however, makes this love very fragmented in some ways.

For example...
My dear friends here in Dallas never knew what I was like as a single person before I was married. My friends from high school and college never really saw my marriage. My family never really saw my marriage because I lived in another state. Any friends I made after September 2011 don't know what my life was like in the context of marriage.
Lives are so multifaceted...there are so many components of our stories that, even as much as we do life together, we can never fully know each other.

This, though, is what makes knowing Jesus valuable so profoundly necessary. We are temporal, and in order to live our lives, to pay attention to one aspect of our lives (either the fact that I was married, or the fact that I'm single now) is to necessarily neglect the other aspects. We simply just don't have the capacity to take in the whole story as one...in my case, no one can know me simultaneously as single and married. No one can address all parts of my story at once.

BUT (my favorite parts of Scripture often begin with "but")...Jesus gets it.
Because He's outside of time. Because He's orchestrating my story. Because He made me.
And this makes it so much more necessary and BEAUTIFUL to abide in Him...because He knows the whole story of our lives without having to neglect any of its parts in order to give another part of it attention.

What about all that stuff I said in my last post about losing ourselves in order to find ourselves? What about all that "I must decrease so that He may increase" business? That doesn't sound like being known...it seems a complete contradiction to say that in order to realize our uniqueness or be fully known, we have to essentially be depleted of everything about us.

HOWEVER...this mysterious decrease of our "selves" is actually the increase of our ultimate Self. As we become more like Him...(He, the ultimate reality, the One who has always existed and has never changed, He who is so wonderfully complex that if He placed a single, solitary unique attribute of His into every human He created, there would never exist enough people over the span of time and space to even begin to house all of His properties)
...rather than losing our humanity as we put our flesh to death, our humanity is more fully restored. Only when we purge ourselves of our love of self do our real Selves begin to take shape.

We've kind of constructed this depressing conundrum where we think that God wants us to lose our uniqueness and become absorbed into some amorphous, homogenized mass.
Good golly. That WOULD be depressing.
The joyful reality is that it is only in becoming more like Him that our uniqueness and humanity can hope to be fully realized.

Christ, in becoming human, redeemed the essence of what it IS to be human.
He doesn't deny us our humanity. He provides the only venue in which we can fully realize it.

Without this ultimate fulfillment of self in the Maker, we walk around like shades...shadows. Becoming less substantive, less real, less known with every self-oriented thought.
Being real means being known...and known especially by Someone who will never stop knowing you, never have to neglect a part of your story to focus on another part, and who has fashioned every detail of your life for His glory.
His glory is much more real than our inhumanity...so really, the crucifixion of the flesh is the crucifixion of our inhumanity.


So for me personally...going through my divorce jarred me to my core...because at my core, I was still finding parts of my identity in my role as a married person. I prized that relationship so much that it became an inextricable part of what I drew my value from.
But God has constructed these elements of life to be enjoyed...NOT to have an identity constructed from them. When we build our value/identity/meaning on something temporal (albeit wonderful, but temporal) like relationships, vocation, political beliefs, intelligence, talents, interests, or anything else created, ANYTHING created is susceptible to change.
Anything, then, that can act as an agent of change in life is not just an agent of change, but a great and real threat to our identities. 

So I've put the role of a married person to rest...and in doing so I have embarked on a journey of losing my need to live for myself or find my identity in anything that changes.
I've been wrestling with the Holy Spirit over what other things I let define me other than Him. It's pretty staggering...my appearance, my intelligence, my potential, my work ethic, my responsibility, my date-ability, my knowledge, my opinions...
I am known...fully...unique and special and loved not because of my temporal roles or changing interests...but because I'm made uniquely in His complex image.

Identity and the Problem of Self

So. Blogging is hard to do when you've got 18 credit hours and lots of homework/church/life/travel/people/stuff that matters more than blogging going on. I could blog more, I suppose, if I just posted the papers I write for class on here...
Not sure, though, if anyone wants to read about the use of ideology and terror in post cold war America or how I had to bring Aristotle out of hell based on his engagement and regard for natural law.
Any takers? No? I wouldn't, either.

So this is one of the things that my mind has been engaging over the last 2 months...

Just about everything in my life...what I'm reading, what I'm studying, my life experiences, conversations I'm having, the music I'm listening to...are all pointing to one thing: a catastrophic struggle with identity.

I'm not just talking Christians here by any means. I mean everyone.

What I'm referring to goes beyond the scope of people not knowing who they are...because most people at least think they know who they are. They look to their interests, vocations, roles, skills, experience, and values to categorize it.
If I did this, I'd say I'm an artist, a musician, a nanny, student, daughter, friend, a traveler, a (groan...) borderline hipster. I'm moderate politically. I like most genres of music. I like trying new things. Blah blah blah.
The rub with all of the components of this laundry list is this: they either change with time and circumstance, or are not unique to any individual.
Everyone is a daughter or son. Friends change. Jobs change. Interests change.

Where am I seeing this? Everywhere.

In marriages.
I serve in a ministry at Watermark (the church I attend here in Dallas, for those who don't know) called DivorceCare where I get to love on folks going through the pain of divorce. I have lost count of the number of people I've heard frame their marriages as tragic mistakes because they "got married too young, before I knew who I really was." This was one of the things my ex said to me when he ended our marriage, as well. As if unbiblical divorce is justifiable because people change over time.

In popular culture.
"What do I stand for? Most nights I don't know anymore." (Fun.)
"In the dark I have no name." (Mumford and Sons)
"Only worth living if somebody is loving you." (Lana Del Rey)

In literature.
I read Manhood and American Political Culture in the Cold War by K.A. Cuordileone. It's a work of history that draws attention to the gender-saturated language used in society (the government, academia, popular culture) during the early Cold War years. She argues that the call to masculinize the weak, soft, effeminate political left that so many spoke of during the Cold War years was really a reflection of profound sexual and gender identity tension. According to Cuordileone, this gender identity crisis is what perpetuated things like the Red Scare, the Lavender Scare, and even the civil rights movement.

Even in The Hunger Games, Katniss resolves that making it a life's mission to kill President Snow and ultimately President Coin is framed as noble because revenge became so deeply engrained in her identity after a lifetime of oppression.
(I have way more examples of books that deal with identity, but for sake of space, I'll stick with these two).


...a malleable identity.
Dictated by roles, experiences, and circumstance.
Put together by...whatever you decide.

Why is this a problem? It sounds ideal in some ways, actually. Openness, change, adaptability. This is the pinnacle of human maturity and civil society! Well...not exactly....

I've become increasingly aware of an inextricable connection between the malleable self and the eschewing of moral culpability.

So much of my life recently has been saturated with the theme of the self...namely, what the self is responsible for.
Can one sin without a self?
Are we culpable for decisions we make in our search for identity?
While the answer seems obvious to some, the reality that a lot of people, even Christians, perpetuate the facade that the lack of a concrete self is grounds for exoneration from responsibility or consequences.




We're a society of rampant logical inconsistencies.
(Caveat--I'd be way overselling myself if I said I could adequately put all of the non sequiturs and fallacies into the appropriate philosophical categories (I'd probably just as soon refer to "denying the antecedent" as "crazy business."...let's stick with that.)
But attending a public university has me daily experiencing people and reading material that betrays the fact that everyone is faced with the reality of worldview...and a lot of worldviews are simply just not thought through.

Why did I just bring up worldview?
Because worldview shapes identity.
 A lot of people are quite content with not thinking through their worldview or exploring where it leads at its logical end.

For example...
Here's a statement: Humans have meaning and dignity.
Most of us are down with that. I've got a political theory prof who loves to talk about society needing to have leaders who rule justly and according to virtue, that rights to freedom from tyranny are inalienable, and that some things are just WRONG...
BUT most times my fellow classmates press him on where that meaning comes from, he falls back on the postmodern answer of "whatever you find meaning in. Religion, naturalism, family, your job...whatever it happens to be for you. You decide." Really? That's it? We're talking about why humans have meaning and you shrink back?

People are fine with granting and embodying significance...and not bothered at all about it coming from an unidentifiable source. The intellectual pursuit breaks down, the worldview has been exposed as paper-thin, and rather than face the reality that the argument is glaringly less than comprehensive, we call it being open minded...because we're afraid to call it what it really is: irresponsible and insufficient.
Meaning is what we're looking for in our basest components, right? As much as we operate at the level of functionaries, the silent but violent tumult in our hearts overtakes all of the coping mechanisms we've built into our psyches...and we're confronted with the reality that we have no idea if we matter, or if what we do matters.
How can we impute meaning to anything if we're waiting for it to be imputed to us in the first place? What gives one the authority to say meaning comes from THIS? One can't give what one doesn't have.

A lot of us (Christian or not) simply don't dig an iota deeper when we realize our worldview is inconsistent.
Why not?
Moral culpability.

I'm super down with how Ravi Zacharias talks about this business.
~Through secularization, religious interpretations and institutions have lost their significance, and we experience the end of shame.
~Through pluralism, no worldview is dominant and every moral decision becomes relative, and we experience the end of reason.
~Through privatization, spiritual beliefs are expunged from the public sector of life, and as secularization and relativism spread in its place, we experience the end of meaning.

No shame. No reason. No meaning. No self. No moral culpability.

No hope? Are we doomed to a lifelong struggle with eat-pray-love philosophy in which we search for meaning in relationships, life experiences, and some crazy ass trip around the world?
Without hope, we'd be crushed under the staggering weight of our own inconsequentiality. 

I have not comprehensively studied every worldview out there...but I have done a lot of homework. And based on the evidence that I have come across...the Judeo-Christian worldview is the most comprehensive answer to the issue of identity:

• Human value is answered in the imago dei, humans' image-bearing of God--an infinitely creative Being uniquely made and gifted each individual. 
• Unique individualism is fulfilled in spiritual gifting and personal identification with the Creator. 
• Moral absolutes are grounded in the immutable attributes and character of the Godhead. 
• The problem of suffering is answered with the ability of people to freely choose to love or rebel against a perfect God.
• Hope for redemption is cemented in the ongoing, sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit.

An identity can only be unshakeable if it is grounded in something, or Someone, that doesn't change...isn't affected by circumstance, geographic or historical location, experience, or role.

THERE IS AN ANSWER TO THE PROBLEM OF SELF.
And it is wrapped up in the message of the Supreme Ruler of the Universe to us: you must lose yourself to find yourself.

The Greatest Crime in the History of Humanity

This post is deeply personal and emotionally charged. And probably the first time I've ever written an entry and posted it all in the same go. Enough caveats.

Abortion was never my issue.
It wasn't at the top of the my list in things I considered pivotal in my voting decisions. I spent awhile mulling over a woman's right to privacy, a "zone of privacy" in the constitution, and whether it should be a federal, state or local issue. I could debate you easily on my position about being "whole life" rather than just "pro life" and caring for the unborn better once outside the womb, how it's rubbed me the wrong way that conservatives defund sex education and anything that resembles welfare but may result in fewer unwanted pregnancies. Still true, and good things.

In my mind I knew I classified abortion itself as wrong. But the way I treated it was as if it was either a non issue, or lamentable.

For my entire life I've kept this issue at arm's length because it never affected me or anyone I knew personally.

Until tonight...

When it hit me like a punch in the stomach while I was falling asleep...the crushing weight and despair of finally, FINALLY realizing that this most certainly affects someone I know personally. My Best Friend, my Father, my Savior, my Redeemer, the One who called me out of death into life...His heart breaks for the murder of the unborn.

I normally hesitate to make statements like the one I'm about to make. Experience is really subjective and easily tainted by emotion. You all can't feel what I felt, so there's no way to verify it, and you may not give a damn. Fine.
But God lets us emote for a reason, and I think something I just experienced is evidence, or at least a manifestation, of how He can use our emotions in a Godly way--to connect us with His heart:

I honestly feel like God allowed me to participate in His sorrow for a moment. And it broke. my. heart.

I wept, y'all. I don't just randomly start crying over stuff I don't care much about. There was absolutely no reason for it to come when and how it did.
I was struck with images in my mind of babies being mostly delivered and having their skulls stabbed and brains sucked out. Even just typing that sentence fills my eyes with tears and makes me want to scream.

Just so....angry. Deep in my bones. At humanity. At sin. At my ugliness and pretension that previously boiled this down to a matter of personal politics rather than ethics. I can't believe how stupid I've been. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised. I'm wrong a lot.

What a tremendous, despicable game the enemy is playing. What deep, dark sludge we wade in...that we live in the height of civilized society, equipped with every resource imaginable to be educating people about abstinence and safe(r) sex, have families with the means to be able to financially support and care for moms with unwanted pregnancies and take in their unwanted babies and children, have excellent medical care, have flexible education systems so that moms don't have to be doomed to welfare and a lifelong struggle to find vocational success because they're single moms...
and we've built such a monument to human selfishness at its pinnacle that we allow citizens to participate in something so barbaric and inhumane.

I didn't get it. I was wrong, and I'm sorry.

How in the WORLD have we allowed this to be legal???

Singleness and the Idol of Family

There's a beautiful push in the Church to take the focus off of individualized self actualization and redirect it to families.

This is a big deal. A lot of parents in our self-exulting postmodern society replace their kids with themselves in terms of priority. Many churches are calling men to be engaged fathers, loving husbands, and servant leaders as sacrificial, Godly heads. Simultaneously, they're convicting women to complete and complement the way the Holy Spirit does with sacrificial, loving submission. Encouraging families to serve together, read the Word together, grow in love and sacrifice together. I SUPER dig that business.

However...what can be a beautiful revival of the place of the family in the Church is, I've noticed, being bent toward to an idolization of family and marriage.

Caveat--this is NOT true of every church, every individual, and every family. These are just things I have noticed after being part of the Church as a married person AND now as a single person.

HEAR THIS FIRST: I love marriage. I highly respect it. God made it for a host of beautiful reasons, my favorite 2 being how it gives us humanoids a tangible demonstration of 1) Christ's love for the Church and 2) the great love/submission/glory of the Trinity. Frankly, I'd love to have it again someday.

THAT BEING SAID, THOUGH. The way the Church talks about marriage is often done in a way that makes it seem like one is somehow incomplete, less sanctified, less stable, or less...awesome... without marriage. This, frankly, is unbiblical and completely misses what Paul says about our lives as Christians--single OR married.

Tim Keller (loooove him) writes in his chapter on singleness in his book The Meaning of Marriage, and talks about how the Church in the West has lost sight of the goodness of singleness. He quotes Paige Benton Brown as she picks apart the various ways that Christian churches try to "explain" singleness (this made me cringe as I've DEFINITELY said some of these...ha):

"As soon as you're satisfied with God alone, he'll bring someone special into your life."

...as though God's blessings are ever earned by our contentment.

"You're too picky."

...as though God is frustrated by our fickle whims and needs broader parameters in which to work.

"As a single you can commit yourself wholeheartedly to the Lord's work."

...as though God requires emotional martyrs to do his work, of which marriage must be no part.

"Before you can marry someone wonderful, the Lord has to make you someone wonderful."

...as though God grants marriage as a second blessing to the satisfactorily sanctified.


Why are we all super awkward when we talk about singleness?
I think it's because we've missed the God's purpose for the Church. If we understood that, this stuff would be way easier. And more affirming, for that matter.

I think what we need is a little understanding from both sides, perhaps. This list is by no means comprehensive, and a lot of points overlap between singles and marrieds. I've categorized them in a way that makes sense to me.

HOW SINGLES ARE RIDICULOUS:

1. Playing the victim.

People say stupid things about your singleness. They give you unsolicited advice. They give you shallow suggestions and make condescending remarks. I've heard quite a few. I've also said quite a few.
Get. Over. It. Everyone does this to everyone in every circumstance.
The question isn't "why do people say stupid stuff?" The question is "how do I respond?"

Truth: Believe it or not, your single situation isn't harder or more pitiable than anyone else's. You do not have a corner on suffering. Everybody suffers, everybody has a story.
When you say something completely idiotic to someone, you hope they respond with grace, yes?
You should do the same.
In order to respond with grace, though, you must have a right understanding of suffering.
Consider it joy when you face trials so that you'll persevere. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:1)

Completion = contentment. When we are complete in Christ, we can't HELP but respond to pithy statements from others about our singleness with grace.

2. Not participating in your Church family.
God gives us everything we need to get through this life. Whether we're single temporarily or indefinitely, our discontentment often comes from loneliness and entitlement.
The great news is, though, we're 1) not alone and 2) deserve nothing but have been given everything.
God accomplishes this through His Spirit and His Word, but especially His people.

Truth: You're called to be known by your spiritual family. You have every imaginable role to play in it--sibling, child, parent, mentor, mentee, disciple, friend, babysitter, teacher, student...
It's not just a beautiful place that God gave us singles to find family in, though. It's a Biblical mandate to be involved in, which I wrote about previously here.
To be bitter about not having a family while neglecting the roles you're called to play in the spiritual family God's made you for (and made for you) is, well, backwards.

Intimately knowing Jesus as your spouse ushers you into a beautiful (and crazy) family. Jump in.

3. Idolizing marriage.
This really applies to everybody--single and married.
Truth: Indeed, marriage is a beautiful mystery (Eph 5). But no marriage will ever satisfy your need to be delighted in eternally.
This highly individualized society so prizes self fulfillment, and we're conditioned from the time we're young (helloooo, Disney) to believe that all our needs will be met by someone in marriage. Imperfect people can never EVER do that for each other.

As Tim Keller puts it, we totally buy into the illusion that "if we find our one true soul mate, everything wrong with us will be healed; but that makes the lover into God, and no human being can live up to that....After all, what is it that we want when we elevate the love partner to the position of God? We want redemption--nothing less."

Marriage is not about personal fulfillment, someone helping you realize your potential, or someone meeting all your needs and letting you be yourself. It's not about you finding and maintaining your independence. It's a profound gift and another beautiful expression of a benevolent Father's love for His children. It's two notoriously broken people covenanting in a lifelong journey.

Take marriage off the pedestal. Marriage not an end in itself--that would make God a means. He's no means--He's the end.


HOW MARRIED FRIENDS HAVE MADE IT HARDER:

1. Not speaking Truth to us when we're being ridiculous about being single.
Sure, everyone needs the freedom to be frustrated or express discontentment. But as our friends, if you let us run our mouths into an escalation that reveals deep dissatisfaction or hostility, that's a heart attitude that we're supposed to be calling out in each other.
Truth: As our friends, you owe us the truth about our situation: when we abide in God, we enter in the dance of the Trinity. We experience the powerful, overwhelming love of our Father, and we are His bride.
I am His daughter. I am his Creation...and I grow in the love of my divine Spouse. That same Truth speaks to your discontentment in marriage, in parenting, in singleness, in joblessness, in life...and you owe it to us.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend (Prov 27:6)

Discontentment is not exclusive to singles--we just apply it to our singleness. Just like we're supposed to be patient with you when you share your discontent about whatever, be patient with us...but remind us of Truth and the big picture.

2. Not being honest with us about other reasons why we may be single.

Do you have a friend who does something unattractive with her face?
Do you have that guy friend who would love to be married but is really immature?
What about brosef who has a great personality but disgusto hygiene?
Or that girl friend who refuses to go out in anything other than something an 18yo would wear?
What about that girl who has a sweet heart but isn't willing to actually go places where she might interact with guys?
Or maybe that girl who is 28 but has no ambition, or that guy who just plays Xbox all day?
Or she's really smart, but is also kind of easy?

Truth: Just like you marrieds can't see the logs in your own eyes (Matt 7) and have a built-in mirror that you're yoked with for the rest of your life, we singles need that, too.
There may be something super obvious (and likely rather sensitive) that we're overlooking.

Being made aware of these kinds of things will likely make us better people/friends/family members all around, and that can only have a helpful effect on our comprehensive attractiveness.

3. Neglecting the fact that we play a God-ordained, indispensable role in a family already.

That family that we'll have "someday"--we already have one, and it's you.

Truth: I'm part of the family of the Church (Matt 12:50). I disciple people, I am discipled by others. I show love to men and women--both single and married. People of substance sharpen me in painful (and beautiful) ways, and I sharpen others, as well.

Raising kids does not have to mean that they are mine. Followers of Christ are called to be trained in the Word in order to teach others (2 Tim 2:1-2). I'm a nanny--I invest in kids every day. I work in the nursery at church and love on crabby little toddlers who are DYING to show off that they know what the sheep says. I have 4 nieces that I get to babysit and have awesome conversations with.
Are you encouraging us to participate in intergenerational relationships? Are you doing so yourself?

We may have a nuclear family that looks like yours someday, but right now, we're not off the hook for the one Family we're a part of.

4. Not sharing your marriages with us.
When you get married, it's just easier to identify with married people. You're struggling through similar things, sharing similar victories, looking for similar advice, tend to be on similar schedules.
I've done it--I get the draw.
But as I just shared in the aforementioned point about us being part of a family...it's hard to be part of a family when that family is insistent on retreating into itself all the time.
You've gleaned lessons from being intimately known by someone that we singles (or even other marrieds!) haven't been clued in on yet.
When married couples disappear into their married bubble and forget to come back out sometimes, you're not allowing members of our spiritual family to learn from you (or you learn from them!).

Truth: We're meant to share life together...not just when we're in the same life stage.
Open your homes to each other, meet each other's needs, break bread together--Acts 2:42-47
Submit to one another--Eph 5:21 (This includes the single people in your life!)
Honor each other above yourselves--Rom. 12:10
Instruct one another--Rom 15:14

Keep your special things special, and keep yourselves fortified, but come out from the bubble and share your lives with us, yo!

5. Talking about singleness like it's a waiting period.
A lot of material that I've come across addressing singles includes large segments on singleness as a season of waiting. A time to be preparing our hearts for marriage. I don't really think this is the case, at least not in the way we've been talking about it.

Truth: From what I've read, the Bible never speaks about singleness like a latency period for growth, maturity, and ministry.
Paul spends a lot of 1 Cor 7 laying out God's heart for singleness, marriage and divorce. He speaks many times of singleness as a good (or even a better) state, since someone who is single doesn't have the pull of their attention (although there's nothing wrong with this) on maintaining an intimate relationship with another person.
He really never talks about the purpose of singleness as a waiting period for marriage...as if your life was on hold until this goal was achieved. Talking about the purpose of singleness is kind of like talking about the purpose of...life. What are we supposed to do in all seasons? Pursue Christ faithfully. Grow in faith. Show God's love to others. Make disciples.

I just don't see any biblical evidence of "use this time to dream up your ideal mate and obsess over them until your heart is so discontent in Christ and hostile toward His waiting to give you a spouse that your marriage, should it come, is worse off than if you wouldn't have done any of that 'preparation.' "
Okay, that was an exaggeration.

I see no problem in people praying for and intentionally trying to let God prepare their hearts for marriage...only done with the humility and willingness to embark on whatever journey God has for them.

Singleness isn't any more or less a season than anything else in life. The only thing we know for sure is that it's a gift. So...let's talk about it like it's that.



I love how marriage and singleness are both talked about as gifts in Scripture. Not plan A and plan B, not more ideal and less ideal. In a decade-old sermon written by Tim Keller, he quoted Stanley Hauerwas and said singleness and marriage are both necessarily part of the kingdom:

"If singleness is a symbol of the church's confidence in God's power to convert lives for the growth of the church, marriage and procreation is the symbol of the church's hope for the world."

(Also, go do yourself a favor right now and get a copy of Tim Keller's The Meaning of Marriage. Both married and single will benefit hugely from its wisdom.)