Part of my personality gets disproportionately excited about things way in advance. I pack for trips at least a week ahead of time, even if I have to wear the clothes I packed and wash/repack them. I make countdowns before I have plans finalized. I make theme songs in my head with memory montages of what I think this experience will be like, whatever it may be.
That being said...I'm moving to Phoenix in a year! Yes, a year. As in... a while from now.
Waiting for me in Phoenix are friendships to be made and renewed, grad school, living in the same city as my family after 7 years of living apart, exciting ministry opportunities at church, and probably all other kinds of crazy business. Who wouldn't be stoked?
Waiting for me in Phoenix are friendships to be made and renewed, grad school, living in the same city as my family after 7 years of living apart, exciting ministry opportunities at church, and probably all other kinds of crazy business. Who wouldn't be stoked?
The problem is...God has called me to be His hands and feet HERE. Where I am right now. To be a part of the Kingdom and be an agent of renewal in my immediate context. He has things to teach me about Himself and myself...now.
Along with this great gift of enthusiasm and hope that God has engrained in my genetic makeup and socialization, my heart has twisted it into a propensity to struggle to live in the moment.
I've visited Phoenix four times in 2012 already, and every time I return to Dallas, the longing for what's next grows. I long for this sanctification process to see me more like Christ, to see this education get me into a career, to see this healing of my heart since the divorce ready for something new.
At the heart of this longing, though, is a DEEP DISCONTENT with Christ and a glaring lack of gratitude and awareness of where He's put me...now.
I've always had this bittersweet longing for heaven. I live in a reality of being given this beautiful life, gifts in the moment that make my heart burst with joy. I honestly tremble on a regular basis (maybe I should get that looked at...). But really, I marvel at the way Christ is using me to advance His kingdom...or even just when I get to experience and revel in the sweet things of this life.
BUT...while I experience the fullness of the abundant life, my heart aches to be completely absorbed into these things I love (as C.S. Lewis puts it). I want to be with my friends for-freaking-ever. Suspending relationships or maintaining them over distance can be excruciating. Even in ministry and service I experience a strain...the thrill of being used by Christ in a moment is something that catches my breath in my chest when the opportunity is over. I long for these things even AS I experience them, knowing they'll soon be gone. My heart is on the verge of breaking every time. The thought that this time, this situation, this experience won't last is...staggering.
And so in the same way I long for the permanence heaven, I long for what's next in this life. I long for constant truth, peace, and justice, for everyone to be fully known, and especially for all plans to be made clear. I long for laughs to keep going, hugs to linger, and for relationships to get closer. I ache for a divine crescendo that constantly pushes forward and leads...somewhere other than where I am.
Don't get me wrong--where I am is fine...great, even! It's fun or challenging or hard or whatever it needs to be. But it's not whatever's is coming next...because whatever's next SURELY is going to be more life-giving than the present, right? Surely whenever I get THERE, I'll understand God's will/have finally made it/be awesome/be on the right track/have graduated/be a grown up/whatever.
Don't get me wrong--where I am is fine...great, even! It's fun or challenging or hard or whatever it needs to be. But it's not whatever's is coming next...because whatever's next SURELY is going to be more life-giving than the present, right? Surely whenever I get THERE, I'll understand God's will/have finally made it/be awesome/be on the right track/have graduated/be a grown up/whatever.
When we do this, we can't soak up the moments as they come. We become so heavenly minded that we're no earthly good. We become useless to ourselves, useless to others, and completely ineffective for Christ as discontentment is inherently self-focused and the antithesis of all things remotely having to do with Jesus. Humbling ourselves and walking in obedience become acts to secure future blessings rather than get to know God's heart and will for our lives NOW.
And in doing this, we find our joy in the created rather than the Creator.
